Breaking Up is Hard to Do, But Worth it
Hi!
I’m Joelle it’s been over a decade since I got divorced in my twenties. I cried, I conquered and I’ve told it like it is in my book, Trash the Dress: Stories of Celebrating Divorce in your 20s. I’m grateful for the private Facebook support group I formed that allows newly separated and divorced women a safe place to discuss how they are feeling and for those old vets like me to provide tips for moving on with a new chapter in life. But now it’s time to take things public again and reach new women who need support!
This time, I’m also bringing in experts to provide tips for all areas as you rebuild your life-- from lawyers to financial experts and therapists. We’re also going to have some fun by sharing stories, lessons learned, and dating checklists!
To be completely honest, I have had major issues with the Trash the Dress website for years (not being able to login and update), so I am really excited to begin publishing on Substack!
I lost my job, my husband, some of my best friends, and had to move back home with my mom all at once. I have come so far—to a greater place than I ever imagined. I’m happily re-married with two children and three dogs! That’s proof there’s a happily EVEN after divorce.
Here’s my story.
I TRASHED MY WEDDING DRESS ON NATIONAL TV
My Divorcée Demographics:
Met future ex-husband: Age 25
Bling, bling, got the ring: Age 26
Got hitched: Age 27
Ditched: Age 28
I cut up my wedding dress. The $1,600 exquisite ivory, intricately floral beaded, drop-waist, sweetheart neckline, designer gown that I wore on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my life; the day I planned as the gateway to my happily ever after. I sliced into it with scissors and ripped it apart with my bare hands, performing my own open-heart surgery.
My wedding dress had become a haunting reminder that I was a 28-year-old divorcée. What was once considered a symbol of my future became a sparkling announcement of my failure.
How did I, a girl who chased her dreams and fantasized about falling in love and making babies with Mr. Right, end up on the verge of going bankrupt as a result of supporting a husband who quit multiple jobs, grew a beard on purpose because he knew she hated it and wouldn’t kiss him as long as it existed, and had firmly decided he didn’t want to be married—perhaps not to anyone, but definitely not to her—or ever have children?
Granted, our marital knot began to unravel shortly after we crossed the threshold as husband and wife. But, as someone who never gives up, I tried my hardest to honor my “for better or for worse” vows. When my then-husband told me he wanted to end our marriage, I was relieved. I did, too. We were both miserable.
Then, panic struck.
No twenty-something woman actually pictures herself divorced when all her friends are becoming brides and birthing babies. At that point, my own biological clock had sped up to the point that the hands were about to go flying off! The idea of starting over conjured worries about being too old to get pregnant by the time I picked up the pieces. I suffered insomnia-induced anxiety attacks and even hid in my bedroom during my first post-divorce holiday season to avoid the embarrassment of facing my extended family.
Eventually, I decided to stop agonizing over my potential future and focus on the present. During this time, I could have removed the matching “XO” tattoo my ex-husband and I got on our first (and only) wedding anniversary, decided it was the perfect time to break my life-long straight-edge lifestyle and start drinking, and driven my friends insane with weepy phone calls every five minutes.
Instead, I celebrated my divorce by setting and reaching goals and partaking in rituals—including trashing my dress, writing a good riddance list and compiling a dating checklist. Along the way, I even met the real Mr. Right.
Before I trashed my dress (on national TV no less- but you have to read about that in the book!), I thought I wasted the most important years of my life with my ex-husband. But while tearing the fabric of my wedding dress with clenched fists, I cleansed all of my self-loathing for marrying a man I wasn’t 100 percent sure was “the one,” but rather hoped would evolve into my perfect partner after we became husband and wife. Now, I’m thankful for the venom.
The mid-mid-life crisis that followed my so-called marriage may have shattered my life as I knew it then, but not the life I was meant to live.
EXPERT ADVICE: FINANCES
Here are 10 things every woman should know about money from wealth manager and behavioral finance expert Shari Greco Reiches, author of Maximize Your Return on Life: Invest Your Time and Money in What You Value Most:
1. What to do “Just in Case”
Start with a “Just in Case” list that provides crucial information if you need to step in and take financial control. It starts with who to call (financial advisor, CPA, attorney) and where the money is (brokerage and retirement accounts, passwords). The more comprehensive the list, the better.
2. Sources of Income
Understand all sources of cash flow coming in, including business income, salaries, pensions, social security, and distributions from investment and retirement accounts. Where is the income deposited, and how frequently?
3. Expenses
Track your expenses over the last 12 months and divide into 3 categories—Basics, Savings & Debt Reduction, and Wants.
Basics include housing costs (mortgage, rent), children’s expenses, food, clothing, transportation, health insurance, and health care.
Savings & Debt Reduction includes contributions to retirement accounts, funds added to savings or long-term investment accounts, and monthly non-mortgage loan payments.
Wants include discretionary items such as dining out/entertainment, travel, and hobbies.
Compare your totals to this guideline: 50% of after-tax income spent on Basics, 20% on Savings/Debt Reduction, and 30% on Wants. Are some changes needed?
4. Assets
Track your assets, and put them into one of these categories:
Liquid – Checking, money market, and savings accounts
Investments – Brokerage and retirement accounts, other long-term investments
Personal— Your home and other “big-ticket” items
Update your asset values on an annual basis. Is the total heading in the right direction?
5. Debt
What do you owe? Include your mortgage/home equity line of credit, credit card balances that are not paid off monthly, and any other loans. Is there a plan in place to reduce debt?
6. Taxes
Your tax return provides a roadmap of all your income and assets. Have your tax advisor walk you through your annual income tax return.
7. Insurance
What life and disability insurance is in place? Is it enough to pay off the mortgage and college expenses for the kids? Good questions for your family’s insurance advisor.
8. Wills and Beneficiaries
In the case of a death, where does the money go? A basic estate plan includes a will that designates who gets what. But some assets aren’t covered by wills. IRAs and 401(k) accounts are transferred according to a beneficiary form. Are these forms up to date? A conversation with an estate planning attorney may be needed.
9. Powers of Attorney
What would happen if a medical emergency left you or a loved one unable to make a tough medical decision? A health care power of attorney (POA) lets you name a trusted agent to step in. A property POA works in a similar manner for financial decisions. Check to see if you have updated POAs in place.
10. A Financial Plan
Women need to know the answers to the following questions:
What is my plan for retirement?
How much can I spend and be confident I will never run out of money?
How much risk is in my investment portfolio?
Reiches also has one more item and says, “While it’s #11 in my list of things about money every woman needs to know, it may be the most important. It’s knowing your Core Values—the priorities that you value most; the convictions about how you define yourself. Perhaps your Core Values include family, meaningful work, or giving back to your community. Core Values act as a guide, and provide clarity, as you face major life decisions. They can help you set goals and priorities as you decide how to spend your time and money.”
DIVORCE ANTHEM
Listen to “On Vacation,” by Aimee Allen. This is one of the happiest breakup songs!
SISTER TO SISTER
Alexandra from Texas (featured in Trash the Dress book) wants to drill a few key points into your brain: “You’ll have great days and you’ll have bad days. On occasion, learning something about my ex-husband will open a wound and I’ll be anxious and sad, and want to bring up old issues regarding our relationship. It’s important to not beat yourself up for the bad days. Accept that you’re still hurting and take time to re-focus on the positives.”
CHECK, MATE
Add this to your dating checklist:
“The main thing is that I want someone who likes me for me. I am OK with compromise, but not to the point that I start to act differently, as if my personality is slightly altered. I also want someone who will tell me how they feel about me, tell me they love me and that I look beautiful, and really mean it. Also, punctuality is important! I can’t wait for a man anymore; I’ve done enough of that to last a lifetime.” - Lily from Virginia tells Trash the Dress
LESSONS LEARNED
“I could have worked my butt off and done everything to try to make that marriage work but at the end of the day, marriage is two-sided. I didn’t fail at anything.”
-Liz from Massachusetts tells Trash the Dress
DIVORCE TATTOO
Check out Trash the Dress on Pinterest for ideas from our Divorce Tattoo board.
Be sure to get my book that inspired this all: Trash the Dress: Stories of Celebrating Divorce in your 20s.
Always grateful,
Joelle
Empowering girls of all ages and life stages.
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